THE GOLDEN TICKET TO HEALTHY ADULT RELATIONSHIPS
Do you ever find yourself wondering why you behave the way you do in relationships? Or perhaps you’ve been left puzzled by a romantic partner who went colder than last weeks leftovers? Let me welcome you to the world of attachment theory!
Attachment theory might sound like something you would only encounter in a psychology textbook, but it is actually very relevant to our everyday lives – and particularly our relationships with others.
It is all about how our early interactions with caregivers shapes our emotional and relational development as adults. As a psychologist I see firsthand how these early experiences can uniquely impact individuals throughout their lives, especially when romance and relationships are added to the mix.
TYPES OF ATTACHMENT STYLES
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. Each one has its own unique quirks and patterns of behaviour – which are formed through early interactions with our caregivers. Let’s do a dive into each one quickly….
SECURE
Generally speaking, people with a secure attachment style had caregivers who were consistently responsive to their needs. Secure adults tend to be comfortable with intimacy, but also happy to do their own thing and are comfortable with independence. They tend to have long lasting, healthy relationships characterised by trust, emotional closeness, and solid communication.
ANXIOUS
People with an anxious attachment style may have experienced caregivers who were easily overwhelmed, left them feeling responsible for other people’s feelings including their own, and alternated between fussing and detached parenting. Many anxious attachment style individuals feel as if they are responsible for others feelings and can feel very insecure in relationships. This can present in adult relationships as constant checking of your partners needs, difficulties with trust, heightened sensitivity and feelings of insecurity.
AVOIDANT
Those with an avoidant attachment style often had caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to their needs. As adults, these individuals value independence and self-sufficiency, to the point where they might avoid emotional closeness like it’s a game of dodgeball. They can appear detached or mysterious, and may fear intimacy stemming from an underlying belief it will detract from their independence.
DISORGANISED
Disorganised attachment styles are sometimes referred to as fearful-avoidant attachments. This behaviour can result from unpredictable or traumatic caregiving. Often people who are disorganized in their attachment style have a desire for a close relationship but also fear them, leading to a push-pull dynamic that can leave the person on the receiving end feeling very confused. Trust issues and emotional turmoil are common, making relationship dynamics a rollercoasting of conflicting and contradictory emotions.
HOW DO WE MOVE TOWARDS A MORE SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE?
There is no doubt that understanding your attachment style (and your current or future partners style) is a powerful step towards personal growth and healthier relationships. Therapy can be particularly beneficial, offering a safe space to explore past experiences, develop self-awareness, and build more secure attachment patterns. Some strategies that you might see in a therapeutic setting include Attachment-Based Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy. These modalities can help you or your partner understand and modify attachment patterns and subsequent behaviours.
Perhaps reading about attachment styles has switched on a little light bulb for you or created an “a-ha!” moment.
If you would like more information on attachment theory including strategies to cultivate secure attachment, feel free to reach out and contact us. At The Gray Area we are passionate helping people optimise themselves and reach their full potential in forming healthy relationships. Both our director Myles and I are highly interested and well-versed in attachment theory, dedicated to guiding you towards more secure and fulfilling connections.
The Golden Ticket to Healthy Adult Relationships- Attachment Styles